Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
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the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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