The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
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Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
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In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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