ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
