Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
