i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
