yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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