Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
