Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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