saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
