He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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