Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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