Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
