i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
