It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
