Swine flu. Run for my life!
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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