I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
