i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
