The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
