when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
