She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
