You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i think i just lost a toe
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
