i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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