needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
