My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
