Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
