I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
