The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
As shirtless as possible
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
