I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
