you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
