Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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