I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
