I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
