if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
