I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
