i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
