i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
