Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
