cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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