I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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