I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
