You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
