I wish I could punch you in the face.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
