saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
