My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
