For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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