Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
