he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
