o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
