I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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