I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
