I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
