I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
