Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
