I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
