Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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