I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
