Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
