Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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