highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
